Jul 4, 2012
Frank Davis

Countdown: Comic relief, Olympic mudwrestling, UK urinal

Let me tell you about Honest Abe.

Let me tell you about “Honest Abe.”

There’s nothing like a good movie to escape reality once in a while. The Count loves to kick back with a trough of popcorn and a banana-and-plasma smoothie, then wait for the lights to dim in the theater and just hope it’s not a full moon outside because, well, you don’t want to know. Anyway, The Count walked into the wrong theater the other day. He thought he was about to see “Snow White And The Huntsman” because Charlize Theron kind of does something for him in a full length coat of evil (again, you don’t want to know).  But instead, he inadvertently walked into, “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,” and he has been catatonic ever since. Abe — yeah, yeah, president, freed the slaves, wore a hat, blahblahblah. Let me tell you: Abe wasn’t cool. He was obsessed withvampire obliterating The Count’s entire family, just because I dunked on him in high school. (Abe was tall but couldn’t jump. Think: Mel Counts. But The Count could flyyyyy! No really, I could fly. It’s a tradeoff for the whole eternal damnation thing.) So Abe goes out one night with has damn axe and sees my uncle Mortimer, who was just heading down to Walgreens for some dental floss, and he chops his damn head off! There’s your Mr. Perfect President. I vowed revenge in the afterlife. Unfortunately, we ended up in different places. Abe had a better PR guy. But at least we’ll all end up in better place than that guy from Penn State. We count down . . .

(Apologies for the earlier Abraham Lincoln-cherry tree reference. The Count mixed up his Presidential fairy tales.)

10. Welcome to Hell, Jerry

Andy heard Red was a man who could get things.

Andy heard Red was a man who could get things.

I think you know how The Count feels about Jerry Sandusky. Basically, the same as most humans. And most subhumans. I mean, you know it’s bad when convicted felons look down on you. Seriously, there’s this hierarchy in prisons: If you’re a mob boss, you’re, like, golden. You’re like “Red” in Shawshank, only with superpowers. If you did what Sandusky did, you make pondscum look like Callaway Gardens. Is it material for a monolgue? As a general rule, no. However . . .

9. Worthy of mocking . . .

The Count has immense respect for those who can find just the right device to find needed comic relief amid evil and tragedy. We stumbled upon this cartoon by the talented Tim Campbell, who managed to work a classic Peanuts scene — Lucy pulling away the football from Charlie Brown — into Sandusky’s jail sentence. You can find more of Tim’s work here, and The Counts thanks him for permission to share his latest with you.


8. Strike up the band

And finally, we may never knew if this is actually true, but everybody seems to be going with it, including CBS News, so: When Sandusky reported to the Centre County Correctional Facility, inmates reportedly started serenading him with a line from Pink’s Floyd’s “The Wall.” It’s not like they sang the whole song, but according to The Daily and another inmate known only as “Josh”:

Other prisoners were barred from communicating directly with Sandusky, but they could see him. And when the lights went out, inmates serenaded the disgraced coach with a famous line from Pink Floyd’s “The Wall.”

“At night, we were singing ‘Hey, teacher, leave those kids alone,’ ” Josh said, adding that everyone knew who Sandusky was because inmates had access to television and newspapers. The jail can hold 349 inmates.

Probably not what Roger Waters had in mind (although the old guy in the animation below actually looks like Sandusky.) A little music break:

7. I finished third! I finished third! Less filling! Tastes great!

We need to settle the tie. Justin Gatlin has a great idea!

We need to settle the tie. Justin Gatlin has a great idea! (Getty Images)

The Count loved that old politically incorrect Miller Lite commercial. You know, the one where two girls get into a cat fight and then mudwrestle, something that was created by obnoxious, sexist, chauvinistic pigs in advertising who glorify women as sex objects, something of course every vampire is prone to. (Don’t blame me. It’s in the plasma.) So you might ask: How did I get on this track? Simple. At the U.S. Olympic track and field trials over the weekend, Allyson Felix and Jeneba Tarmoh tied for third place in the women’s 100 meters. I mean, REALLY tied for third. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal in most events, but the the top three finishers in the Trials go to the Olympics in London. Of course, leave it to a male to solve the problem. Sprinter Justin Gatlin said, “I’m voting for Jell-O wrestling match. Red Jell-O. That’s my favorite.” He later went on ESPN and suggested mudwestling. My man! Of course, the snooty USTAF is offering a more boring resolution: Felix and Tarmoh can flip a coin or run a match race. Seriously, would either be as riveting as this … ?

6. “Altanta” Thrashers’ fan gets refund … a year later

Everett Duke celebrated Columbus Cottonmouth's (Southern Pro Hockey League) title.

It took year for Thrashers’ fan to get balance of ticket refund.

The Count again wishes to commend the Hawks for landing Danny Ferry as general manager. However, as we’ve come to learn, it has become very difficult for the Atlanta Spirit to get through a week without a pie in the face. The Count was contacted on Twitter by Everett Duke, a former Thrashers’ season-ticket holder. It seems that while Duke had been refunded for 2011-12 season tickets rendered worthless when the team was sold and moved to Winnipeg, he was still owed a balance of $149.40. There’s some confusing story about tickets being sold back and the matter needing to be resolved between the Spirit and Ticketmaster, but let’s move on. Duke was informed that he inexplicably wouldn’t get his money back until after this NBA season — a full year after the team moved. We believe accounting needed to verify that there would still be funds available after Joe Johnson’s final paycheck of the season. Duke emailed me: “Got a call on May 22nd saying they could finally close out my account. Check came today.” But guess what? The check came from the “Altanta” Hawks. Hey, I’m not one to mock somebody else for their typos because, well, never mind. But at least I can spell my name: Count. But a check? The evidence is below. (By the way, that is Duke pictured to the left. He is seen lifting the Southern Pro Hockey League champions’ cup won by the Columbus Cottonmouths, where he works as the team’s mascot. It seems disenfranchised fans will do anything to get their hockey fix.)

Everett Duke's final refund check had Atlanta misspelled.

Everett Duke’s belated ticket refund check reads “Altanta Hawks Philips Arena.”

5. Bobby Petrino lost money on his house (everybody say, “awww”)

You know, I can't look at this photo enough times.

I could see this photo a million times and I’d still laugh. (AP photo)

Has anybody seen Bobby Petrino? The creature has competely dropped out of sight since his motorcycle accident with his goochie girl riding shotgun led to his firing and relative excommunication from Arkansas. The only evidence that Petrino hasn’t done a swan dive into a ravine: He and wife (still) Becky sold their Fayetteville mansion for $1.7 million. Petrino took a $550,000 loss, largely because he could not get the smell of Brimstone out of the carpeting.

4. Wow, talk about taking a shot at your rival

This is not going to go over well with Big Blue.

This is not going to go over well with Big Blue.

Charlie Strong has proven to be a pretty good head coach at Louisville. Maybe it’s his motivational techniques. This won’t go over well in Lexington (like anybody in Louisville cares) but Strong has placed the Kentucky logo right in the target area of urinals in the Cardinals’ locker room. If Joker Phillips wants to one-up Strong, it’s not hard to figure out what the next level up (down?) is.  Anyway, this story was broken by the blog East Coast Bias, which wrote: “This picture was tweeted by a Louisville player and is reminiscent of things Urban Meyer did at Florida and Utah to motivate players for rivalry game.” Honestly, I wasn’t aware Meyer did that. But if somebody could provide The Count with photographic evidence of a “G” or little Uga in a urinal, we would be to forward it to the appropriate parties in Athens.

3. Anthony Davis planning to make money on his unibrow (go for it)

Anthony Davis wants you to Fear The Unibrow.

Anthony Davis wants you to “Fear The Unibrow.”

The Count tries not to make fun of another man’s grooming habits. But Anthony Davis makes me want to jump on a John Deere and plow right over through that unibrow over his eyeballs. Davis? He likes it. In fact, the former Kentucky forward sees that hedge bush like others would see two adjoining oil wells. He want to turn it into money (a hedge fund?). Davis, who is likely to be the first pick in the NBA draft Thursday night, has trademarked the phrases, “Fear the brow” and “Raise the brow.”  Quoting: “I don’t want anyone to try to grow a unibrow because of me and then try to make money off of it. Me and my family decided to trademark it because it’s very unique.” Yes, it will stay that way. He doesn’t have anything to worry about. There’s as much chance of somebody intentionally growing a unibrow as there is somebody going to a cosmetic surgeon and asking, “Hey, can you give me Marty Feldman eyes? That guy’s really funny.”

2. Headline . . .

I am not making this up: A New Jersey woman is suing a Little League player after she was hit by the baseball. The incident apparently happened two years ago when Matthew Migliaccio was 11 years old. He was a catcher in the bullpen area when his overthrow back to the pitcher apparently struck the picnicking Elizabeth Lloyd in the face. She’s seeking $150,000 in medical expenses and an unspecified amount for pain and suffering. According to the suit, Migliaccio’s actions were negligent and careless through “engaging in inappropriate physical and/or sporting activity” and she “continues to suffer pain and anguish, incur medical expenses and has been unable to carry out her usual duties and activities.” Somebody needs to get their house egged.

1. And finally . . .

Not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, not 7 ...

“Not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, not 7 …”

I know the world lost a lot of LeBron James jokes when the Miami Heat won the NBA championship. This is sort of like when Richard Nixon got kicked out of the White House and all of the comics just looked at each other. NOW, what are we going to make fun of? But the New York Post managed to find a way to keep it going. Look to the left.

By Jeff Schultz

Video: Talking about the Hawks and Danny Ferry

Later: The Braves and Jason Heyward

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